Paging Randy Newman...

With all this LA bashing out in the common sense world, I wanted to turn things on its head a bit and actually chime the merits of the City of Angels and its surrounding area. Granted, major world cities such as New York are exempt from certain aspects of this list. But on an ESPN special yesterday, sportswriter Bill Plaschke noted that Los Angeles was America's greatest city. Most people would scoff at this, and although I'm not exactly defending that argument, I will fight for my current residence...well, I really don't live in LA, I actually live in South Bay, etc, etc

Why other cities suck #1:
Public transportation - have you ever taken the morning train, air conditioning not working, next to the smelly guy? And how do you exactly enjoy that music in your ears?

Why LA doesn't suck #1:
How great is driving? On your own, in control and you can blare and sing along to music all you want. Not that I sing, just sayin.

Why other cities suck #2:
Weather - in most places in the world, when you make plans, you always have to either plan something around the possibility of bad weather or hope it doesn't come about

Why LA doesn't suck #2:
Weather - in LA, you only have to worry about when the sun will come out and how much sunblock you need

Why other cities suck #3:
Corporate or hick - most other cities either are way too corporate or too hick. If you dress down too much in midtown Manhattan, you'll get laughed at. If you dress up too much in Seattle, you get laughed at.

Why LA doesn't suck #3:
Casual - whether you're some tattoed action sports athlete or Hollywood producer, you're probably hanging out at the same place, dressed all kinds of casual. The nicest restaurant will likely accept you wearing a form of jeans.

Why other cities suck #4:
Diversity - some cities, like Boston, are wholeheartedly white. Like, white white.

Why LA doesn't suck #4:
Diversity - if you're at a bar in LA, you'll easily see a white guy, black guy, Mexican, Asian, on and on. Even in NY, people are somewhat segregated. Plus, in LA, people are from everywhere, which naturally creates interesting conversation. Plus plus, have you seen the mixes of girls around here? I'm a taken man, but the diversity makes for attractive set of females.

Why other cities suck #5:
Sports - you have one set of teams, maybe in all four sports, and usually everyone follows the same teams

Why LA doesn't suck #5:
Diversity of sports - everyone is from everywhere, so you get a huge diversity of sports fans, both in types of sports and their teams. This makes for more interesting conversation.

Why other cities suck #6:
See what you get - with many cities, you know the cool places and can figure out the vibe of the city in one night out. There's nowhere to dig.

Why LA doesn't suck #6:
Underground scene - like from that scene in Swingers, all the cool places in LA aren't labeled and tend to stay that way for years. For instance, places like Silverlake and Echo Park were edgy popular four years ago and still are. And their cool is legit cool.

Why other cities suck #7:
Occupations - I don't know the exact statistics, but most cities probably hire a good deal of people in sales, real estate, accounting. "Hey Bill, nice to meet you. What do you do for a living? Oh, sales. Ahem."

Why LA doesn't suck #7:
Jobs - how many interesting people have you met in LA? My buddy's ex was the young girl at the beginning of Adams Family Values. My two friends were extras in Wedding Crashers. Hell, my job the past two weeks has been the X Games and U.S. Open of Surfing. How's sales in Louisville going?

Why other cities suck #8:
Parkways - one or two major parkways/highways to get you to where you're going. And when there's an accident or cop pulling somewhere over, there seems to be traffic, yes?

Why LA doesn't suck #8:
Freeways - there are like, four freeways that just go to Long Beach. Sure, the freeways are crowded and sort of a roll of the dice on safety, but they have up to six lanes, carpool ones at that and tons of entrances/exits. Plus, the side of the road is usually interesting or scenic.

Why other cities suck #9:
One dimensional - in Detroit or Minneapolis, you can only do so much. What are the other options, and again with the weather, how often an you do this? In the midwest, you can go to another city pretty much like it.

Why LA doesn't suck #9:
Options - living in LA, you can do the following without too much ahead planning: surf in the morning, ski in the afternoon, hike, bike, skydive, go to San Diego, go to Orange County, go to Mexico, go to San Francisco, go to Vegas (!). And that's a few things when one of the six major pro sports teams, concerts or events aren't going on.

Why other cities suck #10:
Airports, lack of - Even the biggest cities usually have a major airport and one less major. This makes for inconvenient drives and higher prices.

Why LA doesn't suck #10:
Airports, many - In the LA area, you have LAX, Orange County, Burbank, Long Beach (fantastic, btw), Ontario, Van Nuys. And these are probably only the ones Jet Blue goes to.

Why other cities suck #11:
Food - other areas have fantastic food, but it's usually a product of that part of the country or just plain reproduction of popular style. I'm talking about you, Applebees and Olive Garden.

Why LA doesn't suck #11:
Food, lots of it - I recently had many varieties of great Mexican food, one from a truck at night next to a strip mall. You can find good pizza if you look for it. There's great sushi if that's your thing, Thai, Vietnamese. And the burgers! Pink's hot dogs is overrated, but they still have a hot dog place called Pink's. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles (which I've yet to try). And have I mentioned the Mexican? Oh yes, In n Out and Fatburger are wonderful, too.

Why other cities suck #12:
They have football - on a Sunday afternoon, there are two factions of people: one who goes to the game and the other who doesn't. They're segregated that way. Plus, the focus on one favorite detracts from the fun of watching everyone.

Why LA doesn't suck #12:
There's no football team - Sundays here, everyone is outside ether barbequeing or throwing the football around. Gives new meaning to the term Sunday Funday, especially if a big game is playing at a bar. And everyone's content enough with watching the big game of the week, not the one local team everyone lives and dies by.

Why other cities suck #13:
3 hours later - Baseball starts at 8, ends Lord knows when. Live events and shows start at 8, hopefully end at 11 for the news. New Years happens at midnight.

Why LA doesn't suck #13:
3 hours earler - Sunday Night Baseball ends at 8, allowing you to have a full Sunday night of TV. Those events and award shows are pre-taped, so you can guarantee they'll end at 11. New Years happens twice, one on east coast time and another on LA time. OK, this could be a coup for the entire west coast, which leads me to the last point of the night...

Why other cities suck #14:
Proximity to paradise - flying anywhere in South Pacific usually requires a stopover in LA. If you reside in Chicago, you'll have a nice three hour flight to LA, theeen a five-hour flight to Hawaii.

Why LA doesn't suck #14:
At paradise's door - you don't need that layover, you're already in LA! And this usually only applies to LA, since it's the central hub for South Pacific flights. From my own experience, even a flight to Australia is a tolerable 14-hour direct flight from LA.

That is all I have. Not meaning to disparage other cities, because I love aspects of most other bigger cities I've been to (except maybe Miami). I'm just making the case for LA, a place where it really doesn't get nice-nice until October. The summer is just nice. Go, Randy, go:


(Randy Newman's I Love LA video link should be here, but for some reason, YouTube is not working at this exact moment I'm trying to put a link to a video. But I'll put it here anyway, hoping it works for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le5aIqn_MfE)

We Have a Black President Now?? Cool

All in all, it's the same country. Strip malls, reality shows, right side of the road, guns. It's great to be back. But there have been a few changes since I left in 2007:

There's some kid Justin Beiber melting adolescent hearts. Gross.

Billboards are now electronic. Eh.

My Wells Fargo ATM takes check deposits without envelopes. Cool.

I drive a Pruis and it's everywhere on the roads. Yes.

There's a different receptionist on 'The Office.' I'm down.

Another Karate Kid? I'm not sure I accept.

The Lakers are still champs. I'm fine with that.

Talk Soup and Tosh.O are popular. Umm, ok?

Indie 103.1 is no longer. I feel a void on the airwaves.

There's alot of these 'dispensary' places in LA. Seems about right.

California doesn't work on Fridays. Less cars on the road, nothing wrong with that.

Orange County added more strip malls. It's ok, they were desperately lacking.

Gas stations, supermarkets and NYC taxis now entertain me with tv when checking out, filling up and going for an eventful ride.

There's a new noun I never knew about called Yelp. In verb form it's Yelping.

We get oil spills that can't be cleaned up. Ugh.

Animal Crackers are now in a resealable bag, not the box with a string.

I think they've extended the carpool lane on the 405 all the way to the 10. About time.

Basketball morons now go on tv for an hour to decide where they're playing next. Pass.

What I'll Miss About Sydney

As I go hopping off into the sunset, figured this list is inevitable. It goes without saying that I'll miss all the cool friends and interesting strangers, of course. However, these are things that don't really exist outside of the Harbour City.

Late Day Tamarama - cool cove beach, cooler when less people are there

Turkish Delight - angry owner, happy kebabs

NRL Fridays - those announcers get riled up when the guy is still 10 metres out. With the aforementioned Turkish Delight, it makes for good viewing.

333 bus - lightning quick, air conditioned, looks like an accordian and there's a fun circle ride in the middle when it turns

Mojos - tapas and sangria...bueno y delicioso

Dominoes Tuesdays - if you can get takeout for under $6 in this town, that's a DEAL

Sticky date pudding - this stuff is like crack on the dessert menu; we once went out of our way to order this takeaway from a sit-down restaurant

Spit to Manly - amazing views of the city, just as good kangaroo burger at the end.

Green/blue ocean water - it makes Oz look like some tropical South Pacific island. Oh wait, it is

Sport celebrations - these guys don't dance around like idiots when they score a try

Mom and pop shops - Wal Mart America hasn't taken hold of this place yet, which is refreshing.

Vaucluse - big houses and even bigger views of the city. Closest thing you'll get to a sunset in Sydney

Daily Telegraph - it's like the Daily News, except bigger and doesn't have the Yankees on the cover.

Coopers - the Sierra Nevada/Fat Tire of Oz, pale ale that you roll before opening.

Grand Finals - not as big as the Super Bowl, but the footy finals are near my bday and a sign that summer is around the corner.

Lost in Translation

Since I'm moving back to Southern California from Oz, I've translated Aussie phrases I've learned into SoCal. For any others around the country, this may require yet another translation...

G'day mate
Cali: what's up dude
Everywhere else: hey there

Good on ya
Cali: nice
Everywhere else: splendid

Chockers
Cali: woah, that's alot
Everywhere else: a bunch

Sweet as
Cali: alllright
Everywhere else: quite good

Flat out/flat chat
Cali: super busy
Everywhere else: not available

16:20
Cali: 4:20 duuude!
Everywhere else: hey, happy hour

What's the go?
Cali: What's happening, bro?
Everywhere else: what are your plans?

Fully sick
Cali: cool
Everywhere else: cool

Pear shaped
Cali: bummer
Everywhere else: not going well

No worries
Cali: no worries
Everywhere else: it's ok

Tops
Cali: gnarly
Everywhere else: the best

Thongs
Cali: Rainbows
Everywhere else: sandals

On the piss
Cali: totally wasted
Everywhere else: inebriated

Taking the piss
Cali: busting balls
Everywhere else: just joking

Suss it out
Cali: chill, we'll get it
Everywhere else: let's figure this out

Capsicum
Cali: the hot veggies that go in my fajita, please
Everywhere else: the hot veggies that go in other, non-Meixican dishes

Heaps
Cali: loads, man
Everywhere else: bunches

Chalk and cheese
Incomplete, I still haven't figured this one out

Silly Sydney

So about a month ago, I got a job offer back in America, which officially will end my time down under on May 18 and cease the Aussie Adventures for a good while. With a vacation to Thailand in between then, it only leaves me about three weeks to soak in the Harbour City and surroundings. A good part of that time will be catching-up with friends for the last time and tying up loose ends. Don't worry, I'll save time for a kebab or two before then.

Before I go, I wanted to share with those planning to come here some more aspects about Sydney (and all of Oz for that matter) that I find amusing. Maybe you will, too.

They really like their tank tops. They call them singlets here, and apparently it's warm enough to wear sleeveless shirts on a regular basis. I haven't rocked my guns too often, but invest in bright singlets if you're an apparel maker.

While you're at it, make jean shorts and white slipon shoes. Don't know where this fascination came from, but it's a pretty funny look these kids have adopted. Jorts are actually popular and not considered completely redneck. On a trip back to the states recently, my friend Meghan would not let her Aussie boyfriend Adrian roll to a SD Chargers game wearing jorts. Good call.

An all-boys school near my work has the most ridiculous uniforms. So they do the shorts, pulled up socks with shoes, ties and jackets as you would expect in Australia and England. If that's not enough to get your ass kicked, they have to constantly wear these barbershop looking brimmed hats at all times. I'm waiting for a group of them to break out into a rendition of 'Hello, My Baby' at any given moment.

For some reason, ATM cards (which they call EFTPOS) go in and out of the ATM reeeeaaalllyy sloooowly. But the money that comes out sure is colorful.

Have I mentioned how the phrase 'shrimp on the barbie' isn't appropriate since they calls them prawns? Americans must've come up with that one, along with Outback Steakhouse and Fosters.

London has 'mind the gap,' while Sydney-area trains has the less memorable 'doors closing, please stand clear.' But they do have a place called Wooli Creek.

Rice Krispies are called Rice Bubbles, Frosted Flakes are called Frosties, Cocoa Puffs are called Cocoa Pops (without the bird mascot) and Burger King is called Hungry Jacks. There are Woolworths, but it's a supermarket chain with limited cereal isles. Fear not, they have KFCs that actually sell a form of chicken.

One of their official public holidays involves a horse race on a Tuesday. While NSW doesn't get this day off like Victoria and ACT, most people leave at 1:00 for the race at 3, which pretty much revolves around champagne and drinking. Another holiday, which is coming up soon, honors war veterans by betting on dice games.

It's one of the cleaner cities I've come across, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a publicly provided garbage can. One time at a train station, I just had to give up and leave my garbage on the ground. Is it lttering if you genuinely try to throw it away but run out of options?

Bondi is less of a Sydney suburb than a United Nations of transplants from around the world. I'd say Italian, Irish and French win. Or maybe that's just the riff raff I run into at the Dominoes on Tuesday nights.

Sometimes the buses just don't show up for their scheduled stop. Does this happen in other cities? I don't know, have never been a consistent public transporter. Oh, and people love running for public transport. My favorite is when they don't make it.

They have shampoo and conditioner, but never combined the two. Maybe it's a national rule; both in one bottle just doesn't exist.

Brick rules the day. Every other building I come across is made out of brick, and most of those buildings are relatively ugly. Which in the end, kind of makes Sydney look like a sunny Great Britain.


My next g'day Oz post will translate phrases from Aussie to Californian....stay tuned.

Journey to Jervis Bay

Note to self: go to Jervis Bay if you want some great beaches, white soft sand, good trampolining, easy living and warm weather. Don't go there if you want your college basketball team to advance in the NCAA tournament.

A crew of us and assorted dogs made the 2.5 hour trip to Jervis on the last weekend of long summer days. Before taking the road on Friday night, I was told the correct pronounciation is 'JARvis," even with the E. Sure, why not, can do the pirate voice with that one. The rented house provided all the amenities: cable tv to watch all March Madness we need, yard for the pooches and a walkway out the backyard right to the beach. Even my room, which was seperated from a couple by a glassed door, offered the sound of waves crashing from the window.

After a late arrival and some Lingere Football League on Friday, we got up early enough to go for a morning swim and watch a tough loss by the Buckeyes. Damn you, Tennessee, couldn't even take it to the next game. But the day was saved with a trip to Cave Beach, where we surfed, boogie boarded and cricket-ed to our hearts content. And the water so shallow, waves calm enough, didn't even need to paddle out...the best kind of surfing. These beach experiences, complete with the green/blue water is one of many things I'll miss about these parts.

You know what tastes delicious? Mexican food, prepared by Andy, with a few cold beers. You know what Earth Hour is? 60 minutes where we don't get light or music, 60 looong minutes. You know what's more interesting than regular Scattergories? Filthy, dirty Scattgergories. With this group, the game left emotional scars that we're not likely to recover from. Ryan's attempts at coming up with a match for the letter O was pure genius. Adrian's dirty excuse for missing school was just awesome.

Unfortunately for Ry, the next day we caught his UK Wildcats clanging threes (and free throws) while going down to West Virginia. After that debacle, another swim and beer, we eventually had to confront the dreaded Sunday drive home - it's never welcome, but with Riley in tow, road trips are entertaining.

As for this year's Final Four, it's an enigma, I suppose Duke are the favorites. JAAAARRRrvis has to be one of my favorites in the Aussie adventures.

Why Baseball is Better Than Cricket

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of experiencing a live match of Australia's beloved summertime sport, cricket. Most people know the sport as going for days on end, but me, Rory and the Dans went to the Sydney Cricket Ground to check out a 20/20match, which meant that the contest between Australia and the West Indies would actually end that night. Being a dirty Yank that I am, there didn't seem something right about the sport, though, in comparison to its Amercan sister sport, baseball. Actually, ten things.

1. No tailgating. This really is an issue with all Australian sports. For a country that enjoys a good barbeque and beers, this seems like a given. They need to learn how to hang out and do both from the back of a car.

2. The uniforms. For the 20/20 matches, they look like the warmup gear for the Washington Generals, complete with sponsor logos instead of team insignias. For the test matches, they all-white with wear knit sweaters and old-style caps. None of these combos really looks cool.

3. There's only two bases. Along with a lot less activity than four bases, I immediately wondered: how do they determine how far you get with a girl? Yeah man, I gave her a wicket last night. Huuuhh??

4. The food. No Cracker Jacks, hot dogs, nachos, or even KFC, even though it was the team's main sponsor! The closest thing I came to a hot dog had the texture of a toy hot dog and was the color of fire engine red. After waiting for 15 minutes in one of the two concession stands, I opted for a meat pie and VB beer instead.

5. The format. Basically, cricket is kind of like baseball, except you watch one team have a 100 run inning, and then get to see if the other team can beat that. No back-and-forth like a good ballgame. When the West Indies only got 130 runs, you pretty much knew the Aussies were going to match it. I don't think the sport can ever really have a nail-biter bottom-of-the-ninth, two outs moment.

6. No home runs. Sure, they have something called a six, which is when the crowd cheers and the ball goes out of the park. But it's not that big of a deal when you're trying to get 150. Therefore, it's the equivalent of maybe a double. Again, no bases-loaded, edge of the seat moments.

7. What are they playing for? I'm still not sure what the whole summer's competition has been about. Against England, it's for somthing called the Ashes (and bragging rights). Maybe they're all playing for some free KFC.

9. No Wild Thing. It's a pretty cool moment when the reliever comes in to close out the deal in baseball. Think Eric Gagne circa 2003. That doesn't really happen in cricket, because the same few 'bowlers' are on the not-mound for the entire match.

10. You don't get to keep the ball. So when the guy hits six, fans have to throw it back. Not in the Wrigley Field style, but because they need the ball. So much for fan-friendly.

I could've mentioned that there's no 7th inning stretch, but don't want to pick on the sport. On a positive note, the Aussies did get past the 130 runs and whooped the Windies this summer. On to the Kiwis for another yet-to-determined title.